I see the look on your face, little one, as we talk about going to school and starting kindergarten. It’s a mix of excitement and fear. You’ve been waiting for this for so long – pretending to go to school as you dressed up and put on shoes and said “Bye mom” and went “to school” in the dining room or outside. We’ve talked about it and I’ve tried to answer your many questions about what you’ll do and if you’ll make friends and have fun. We’ve done the shopping for supplies, for a new backpack that’s big and awkward but you love it so much. We went clothes shopping, and I saw the look on your face when I said you couldn’t get the tank tops because they might not be allowed at school. You picked out these cute little ankle boots and I realized how quickly you’ve become this independent and mighty little thing.
I can see you right now, on the eve of kindergarten, playing with your Barbies while I work across from you. I’m quiet because I’m afraid if I try to talk to you, I’ll burst into tears. I know you’ll blossom in school, but I wish we had more time. How have five years passed us? I can close my eyes and picture every moment of your life. From finding out we were pregnant, to hoping and praying you would be a girl, to that ultrasound where I just knew and the technician confirmed it, to hearing your first cry and having it REALLY confirmed. You made me a girl mom, and you are our last baby, so everything you do is our last first.
I feel like I’ve been here but that everything and everyone moved so quickly around me that I wasn’t able to capture and savor every moment. Again I ask, how have five years passed us? How is it that you are going to get your FIRST “first day of school” outfit on, with your hair done and your cute little ankle boots, and go into that classroom a kindergartener?
And then there’s the double whammy because it’s not just you going to kindergarten – your brother is going too. In one blink of an eye, I will go from you and your brother home with me while your big brother goes to school, to having no one at home but the dogs and the cat. Do you know how quiet it will be? There won’t be the giggles, or the feet stomping up and down the stairs. No one will ask me how their makeup looks, or if they can play a board game. At the same moment, I will leave two of my babies at the same school, and walk home to wait.
My momma heart hurts. It hurts because this is a lot of firsts to happen at once and I worry I’ll blink and miss something. It hurts because you both have grown up too fast, too suddenly. It hurts because I know how GREAT you will do in school and that you are becoming more independent and won’t need me as much. It hurts because picturing you in that classroom is just the cutest thing ever. My momma heart is so full that it’s going to spill over and come out as tears. Don’t be afraid or sad if I start to cry, I’ll do my best to hide it because you need to see a happy mom when you stay at school. It will be okay – for all of us.
The two of you are going to do amazing things, and this first step into school is just the beginning. Seeing you and your brothers grow up has been, and always will be, the best part of being a mother. We’ve come so far and now I will get to share your wonderful personality with your new teacher and new friends.
And just think… in the blink of an eye, kindergarten will be over.