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Getting Personal: I Miss My Mom

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That’s the head stone I never knew existed until March 1th3 of this year. Out of the blue, I signed up for Ancestry.com and started researching. I was hoping to find information about my supposed biological father. I know his name, and his parents names (so my grandparents) who have passed away, but my search returned nothing. As I moved to my mom’s side, I was SHOCKED to see SO much already completed by other family members. I kept adding, and reading, and crying, and rejoicing. It was an emotional night. I spent 6 hours researching my family. If all is correct, I went back to the 1800’s! Heck, it might even be earlier then that! I am southern American (Georgia, Alabama) and English, and proud of it. I knew I was southern from the moment I was born, it definitely explains a lot!

I remember the day we scattered my mom’s ashed at sea, off the coast of Savannah, Georgia. Do you know what it’s like to be 8 weeks pregnant, 17 years old, and riding a boat for the first time only to stand and watch as your grandmother scatters your mom at sea? It is mind blowing. It is heart breaking in the worst way. My grandma handed me three yellow roses, my mom’s favorite, and one for each child she gave birth to, to toss into the ocean. That single action ripped my heart to pieces. I didn’t hear the birds, or the voices, or the boat’s engine. I heard nothing but my own tears sliding down my cheeks and my heart breaking.

There are things today that remind me so much of my mom. We went to an Aldi grocery store a few weeks ago, and it was such an incredible flashback. It was weird, to walk around, filling my cart, and hear my mom in my ear like I was a little kid. She would have us empty boxes that held the canned goods so we could bag/box our own after she paid. We used to sit on the counter, which is now against the rules, and we’d help as best we could.

I watch Chubbs playing, and I can see my mom in him. I flip through the channels late at night and catch “Roseanne”, a show we used to watch together. Actually, it was during an episode of “Roseanne” that I told my mom I was pregnant. I remember so much, but I’m also forgetting things, and that saddens me. It’s hard to talk to Chubbs about her because he doesn’t understand who she is and that she’s not here with us. He thinks I’m talking about Hubs’ mom or grandma, so it’s difficult to tell him stories that I do remember. I keep trying though, I want him to know who my mom was and what a great person she was. She was funny, and mean, and a great home cook and mom.

I wish she were here almost every day. There are so many moments she has missed, and times that I’ve needed her. We are planning to stop in Savannah later this year, and our first stop is the cemetery where her headstone lies. My grandma and grandpa are there as well. I want to say that I’m prepared emotionally, but I’m not. Can you ever be prepared for something like that?

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