This is probably going to seem silly, but I couldn’t be happier over finally having this. You see, 12 years ago (almost to the day), was my high school graduation. Everyone was wearing their caps and gowns and tassels and anxiously awaiting the moment they’d receive their diploma and move their tassel. Everyone listened to the speeches, cried, took more than enough photos with family and friends.
But not me. Twelve years ago I was at home with a newborn. I was dealing with a whole new adult lifestyle while everyone else went out and celebrated their graduation. I was already changing diapers, making bottles, doing laundry and wishing I could take a nap.
My senior year of high school was incredibly difficult. Not just the schoolwork itself but the roller coaster I was on seemed like it was going to go off it’s tracks and crash to the end in a blaze.
With my mom diagnosed with cancer in June and the school year starting in August, I was able to semi-enjoy just less than two months of my senior year before I learned I was pregnant. That was then followed by the death of my mom and in just moments going from “the girl who has a mom with cancer” to “the girl with the dead mom” to “the pregnant homeless girl”. I wouldn’t say I was truly homeless – the night my mom passed I went and stayed with Ian at his mom’s. We then figured out that I could stay with his dad and step-mom because the other option was to move to Georgia with my grandma, but she didn’t want to do that to us considering we were having a baby. At least, I think I’m remembering it all correctly.
I know I felt sort of homeless until I was settled. It was strange, to move into their home while pregnant and having no idea what we or I was going to do next. I felt like a terrible example for Ian’s sisters – at 17 I was pregnant. They’d never look up to me, I thought. I’m very grateful for them though, and for being allowed to stay there. I’m even more grateful that they went out of their way and went through the court system to gain guardianship of me since I was considered a ward of the state, being a minor. They might not even know how much that meant to me, I don’t think there are enough “thank you”‘s in the world for how I felt then and even now.
So with my senior year off to an… interesting… start, I really didn’t have the chance or desire to get into the graduation talks. The planning meetings, the practice, the senior dinner, all of that stuff that happened. I remember looking at the graduation catalog – the invitations, the cap and gown, the tassels, the class rings – and just thinking, I don’t have the money for this. For any of it. I’ll just do my best and get my diploma and that’s that.
And that’s what happened. I was due with Brenden on May 30, graduation was to be May 28, and I ended up delivering him on May 10.
A couple of days after the graduation ceremony, I was allowed to pick up my diploma from the office. It was without fanfare. There were no speeches, no cheering as I walked across a stage, no cap, no gown, no tassel. I was told congratulations and left the office to walk down the empty halls one last time.
It was beautiful and heartbreaking at the same time. I didn’t get to have my mom there, cheering when my name was announced, bugging for more pictures. I didn’t get to tell her thank you for everything she’d done, or get to be annoyed by her fussing over my hair or some other small detail.
So now, 12 years after the fact, I reached out to the company that provides all of the graduation supplies for our area to ask if by some miracle, they happened to have or be able to order, a 2005 tassel. And they did.
Twelve years later, I have my tassel. Like I said, this might seem silly but to me, it means a lot. It’s beautiful and it symbolizes everything I went through in 2004-2005 to get to that diploma. The late nights of homework, the extra work because I was a slacker during junior year and had to make up a class, the pregnancy hormones, the missed senior prom, the teachers who supported me.
Speaking of – I had the best teachers my senior year. Hands down, when a teacher lets you bring in your breakfast and no one else is allowed because he knows you are a hormonal pregnant lady, he is an amazing teacher. I’ll also never know what I received on my major senior year English project! I turned it in and when Brenden was born, my grades were finalized then (as in, May 9th was my last day of school). Now I’m trying to remember if I have my official transcript or not! Gah!
Anyway, silly or not, I will forever cherish this tassel and what it means to me. It feels so good to finally have it.