I’m writing this after hearing of yet another announcement, so my emotions are raw and my mind is scattered.
I can’t stand the text messages to announce either your pregnancy or the babies gender. I know you don’t realize how insensitive, and sometimes rude, they can be. To you, you are just sharing the wonderful news. But for me, a woman who so desperately wants another child, and has been trying for almost 4 years with nothing to show but the memory of a miscarriage, they are painful to receive. I know you don’t mean them… at least I hope that you don’t. You just want everyone around you to be happy and to celebrate. It takes a lot for me to even respond to such announcements. Ninety percent of the time, I am screaming and crying, “How unfair! Why?! Why, God, why?!” as I respond back with “Congratulations!”. For once, I would like to send out the announcement. Just one more time.
I’m sorry that I have offered advice, or asked how you are. I’m sorry that I might seem distant, or like I am ignoring you. I have tried to be optimistic, and positive, and take part in the pregnancy banter. I have tried to be supportive, and a good friend, but you must understand the pain, the heartache, the jealousy that I hide. It might seem rude, and I’m sure I’ll get some heat for it, but I won’t be going to your baby shower. I don’t think that I could physically and mentally handle the cutesy decorations, the cake, the presents. I would hate to have a break down on such a special day, so I choose not to go.
I am also staying away from the hospital room. I’m sorry, but the smell of a new baby can drive an infertile woman absolutely insane. The tiny diapers, the tiny toes, the pictures, the flowers, the blankets, it’s all too much. I just can’t do it. I would prefer to cook you a meal and deliver it when you are at home. Then, when the baby cries, I can make an excuse to leave and still have performed my friendship duty.
I have but one wish, and that is for you to enjoy your pregnancy and to enjoy your child. Had I known that Chubbs could possibly be my only pregnancy and my only biological child, I would have enjoyed each moment so much more. I would have taken more pictures, given more kisses, cuddled a little longer. I would have announced just a bit louder, and I would have celebrated every day.
Please don’t be mad at me, just understand and respect my wishes. If I’ve been there for you in the past, I’m not leaving now… I just need time to grieve and move on by myself.