Maybe it has to do with the boys being almost six years apart, but I feel like a first time mom all over again. This is my first time breastfeeding, and I feel totally clueless. I’m spending hours reading online, reading on Twitter, trying to absorb as much information as possible. I’m analyzing diapers, tracking diaper changes and nursing sessions. I’m wondering if he’s gaining weight, if the number of pee diapers is normal for his age. I’m worried I’ll do something to screw up, that I’ll hurt him or neglect him (or neglect B since I’m so absorbed with the baby and his needs).
It’s weird to see my once-upon-a-time baby, B, all grown up in this new big brother role. I catch myself looking at him, wondering when he got so big. He just LOOKS older all of a sudden. Even DH looks different… he looks sexier, taking care of two kids. I didn’t think that was possible, but it is.
There are things this time around that we’re doing differently just because we have more knowledge, like breastfeeding. We wear our baby in a ring sling at the grocery store versus putting the car seat in the shopping cart, which leaves virtually no room for the actual groceries. We cuddle more versus using the swing and bouncer (although, G is fast asleep in the bouncer right now and yes, I will be taking advantage so I can get some sleep tonight). There are things I never imagined doing, like sitting in the car at the playground while my husband and oldest run around and play and I nurse the baby. I’m nursing in public, with little hesitation. I’m proud of that, there’s no need to hide or be scared or nervous, it’s natural. Babies have to eat.
It took us so long to be gifted this little guy that every moment is precious, and every little thing makes us so paranoid that we’ll screw up or that we’re not enjoying it enough. I have so many questions and concerns, it really does come across as the nervousness of a first time mom.
But that’s okay – I love this.